Constructive Caring, #7: Enjoying the Journey

The last blog in this series is about ways to enjoy staying positive. That's important being a positive care partner requires constant attention, constant effort. But that's OK because, the more you work on staying positive, the more enjoyable--and fun!--you will find it to be.

Meditate: Even a few minutes of meditation a day will decrease stress and improve sleep. Bonus: It also improves clarity and focus, both of which last long after the meditation is over. The goal is to give your brain a rest from all the busy, busy thinking it does. Meditation operates on the premise that your brain can do only one thing at a time. It rests your brain, adds oxygen and just makes you feel good. Here is a quick easy mediation:

• Close your eyes and focus on your breathing. In and out, slow and easy.
• Do that for as long as you want. Don't worry if you find yourself blanking out or drifting off. Just go back to focusing on your breathing.
• If you feel pulled in some other direction, if you find yourself thinking about something else, gently draw your attention back to your breathing.
• Don't be disappointed if you find it difficult to stay focused at first. That's normal. Just keep trying.

Slow down. Take time to stop and smell the roses, look at the sunsets, notice your loved one's smile, enjoy a relaxed meal. Even talking slower is better for you. Speedy behaviors cause the motivation hormones connected with negativity to flow and make you more nervous and uncomfortable. (And here you thought that talking slower was something you did for your loved one who needed the time to process! News flash: It is also good for you.)

Listen to music. Music is magic! It can relax you or energize you. Warning! Music can also trigger negative emotions, especially anxiety. If you find a kind of music that doesn't make you feel good, avoid it. You don't need that! Find music that you do enjoy and that relaxes or energizes you and listen to it regularly. Include the PlwD*, and make it a part of your daily lives. Music travels to the brain along its own pathway and people can enjoy it long after they can use language. Sing. Dance. Be the music. The more you do this, the more positive you will feel. The positive feelings you get from music will last a long time after the music has stopped playing.

Give a gift. It doesn't have to be material. Offer a compliment, help out with a chore, do a little extra. Caregiving can become more job than "helping" but if you offer just a little bit more, an extra pat or hug, it becomes a gift. Giving a gift triggers your own feel good hormones more than once. When you choose a gift for a specific person, you will likely imagine what it will feel like to give it. Since your brain doesn't differentiate between imaginary and real, you get to enjoy a hit of feel-good hormones then. With any gift, you get a hit when you actually give it and another when the giftee shows appreciation. (That's why, when you receive a compliment, you never want to discount it. Your self-put-down deprives the donor of their return gift.)

Laugh, smile and nod. Laugh all you can. Smile at everybody. Agree with people as often as you can. Nod to music. Yes, even that works! These all cause those gift-giving and receiving hits of feel-good hormones and another from the feeling of connection when your friend laughs, smiles or nods back with you. But you don't really need a reason to laugh, smile or nod. Just do it. They trigger your body to respond as though you were saying "Yes! Yes! Yes!" Even looking for reasons to laugh, smile and nod causes your body to respond as though you were actually doing it.

Be grateful. Gratefulness is another one like laughter that doesn't need a reason. Just looking for a reason is enough to trigger those feel good hormones. Just being grateful is enough, in fact. But finding the reasons increases your good feelings even more. Like other positive behaviors, gratefulness is contagious and so make sure you share. Tell others and give examples. For a real lift, read Lisa Cooke's guest blog entry on an attitude of gratitude. (3/6/2015)
http://lewybodydementia.blogspot.com/2015/03/an-attitude-of-gratitude.html

Use second-hand positivity. We match what we see, so just looking at something positive will make you feel positive. A cute puppy, a picture of a child's happy smile, an enjoyable movie, even a photo of a past happy event. In fact, you don't even need the photo. Just day dream about some past joy and you will get to relive the same happy feelings.

Play. Set aside some time to play, to do something just for fun, whatever that might be for you. Like music and meditation, the relaxation and clarity you get from playing will last for a long time after you finish up and go back to work. That's why kids have recesses!

(reference)

OK, now it is your turn. What do you do to keep on feeling positive?


Helen and James Whitworth are not doctors, lawyers or social workers. As informed caregivers, they share the information here for educational purposes only. It should never be used instead of a professional's advice.

We love and welcome comments but we will not publish any that advertise a product or a commercial website. This is especially true for testimonials about miraculous Parkinson's cures and marijuana.

* Acronyms:
AD: Alzheimer's disease
BPSD: Behavioral and psychological symptoms of dementia
DLB: Dementia with Lewy bodies, where cognitive/behavioral issues occur first
LBD: Lewy body dementia, an umbrella term for both DLB and PDD
MCI: Mild cognitive impairment
MCI-LB: the form of MCI that precedes LBD
PD: Parkinson's disease
PDD: Parkinson's disease with dementia, where mobility issues occur first
PlwD: person/people living with dementia
PlwPD, LBD, PDD, AD, etc.: person/people living with PD, LBD, etc.

For more information about Lewy body disorders, read our books:
A Caregivers’ Guide to Lewy Body Dementia
Managing Cognitive Issues in Parkinson's and Lewy Body Dementia

Constructive Caring, #6: Dealing with Externals

The past blogs have mostly been about how you can think and act more constructively and make your own life and that of the PlwD's* happier, healthier and just plain easier. But sometimes, life intervenes and things beyond your control happen that are difficult to deal with. Nevertheless, you still have the power to choose how to deal with these unhappy events. By making conscious choices about how you view them, and how you think about them you can limit their negative effect on you and on your loved one.

• Look for the blessings. Instead of complaining, look for how the situation adds something to your life...interest, learning, experiences, etc "The worst service I ever had" becomes, "I'm glad we went there. Now I'll know not to go again!" "I lost again. I'm so unlucky." becomes "I sure had fun playing that game with you."
• Look for the silver lining even when things are truly bad and painful. You will naturally have some negative feelings--and rightfully so. Nevertheless, instead of allowing yourself to wallow in the negativity, look for that silver lining. "My mother has passed away and I really miss her but I feel so fortunate to have had her in my life."."
• Avoid feeling guilty. People often use guilt as an effort to control past events--it doesn't work. Your guilt will not change anything except to make you feel worse. Instead make a conscious choice to find something to feel better about. Instead of "I feel so bad that I wasn't always a good daughter, think, "We had some great times together."
• Look for the humor. Sometimes you may have to dig to find the positives but make it a fun challenge. "This trip is so disastrous that I know we'll laugh about later."

Criticism. One of the most difficult things a care partner has to deal with is criticism from family and even friends of a situation that they may not know as much as about as they think they do. Even when meant well, criticism can be difficult to deal with and if a person is already into self-blame, it can be catastrophic. Here are some guidelines to making criticism a little easier to deal with:

• Listen carefully. This is often the hardest part, especially if you don't believe the criticism is fair.
• Take a deep breath and think before you respond.
• Who is this about? "Is this about me, or them?" Is the them the PlwD*, who feels bad, and sees you as responsible for everything. Is the them a family member who is in denial or uneducated about the situation?
• Can this help me? Even if it is more about the other person than you, could the criticism be constructive? How? Will it add more information, more ideas? Or will it add to your own self-blame, guilt or worry?
• Choose to reply or let it go. Feel free to ignore a criticism if it isn't helpful.
  --With the PlwD, you may have to respond in some way so that they feel heard, but then you can move the conversation on into something more positive.
  --With uneducated family members who see Showtime** as the PlwD normal behavior, you will have to decide if they will accept or understand further education about LBD. Printed handouts from the LBDA or a medical source may work better than your own explanations.
• If you reply, stay positive, ask questions as needed and say "Thanks." Saying "Thanks" does not mean that you agree with the person, only that you appreciate their interest.
  --With a PlwD who is blaming you because of a delusion, you must not deny the accusation. Instead, become an improv actor and say you are sorry. (See blogs on dealing with delusions)
• Review. Make a conscious choice to accept the critique as constructive if you can find anything of value in it. Then plan how you will make any needed changes. Otherwise, consider it destructive and therefore, not worth your time.
• Let it go. Once you know of the issue (if there really is one), and have decided how to deal with it, the criticism's job is done.

Next week: On to happier topics, like how to have enjoy being positive and have fun with it.

Helen and James Whitworth are not doctors, lawyers or social workers. As informed caregivers, they share the information here for educational purposes only. It should never be used instead of a professional's advice.

We love and welcome comments but we will not publish any that advertise a product or a commercial website. This is especially true for testimonials about miraculous Parkinson's cures and marijuana.

** Showtime: When a PlwD is experiencing a period of more than normal awareness. Often occurs with visiting family members or during doctor visits.

* Acronyms:
AD: Alzheimer's disease
BPSD: Behavioral and psychological symptoms of dementia
DLB: Dementia with Lewy bodies, where cognitive/behavioral issues occur first
LBD: Lewy body dementia, an umbrella term for both DLB and PDD
LBDA: Lewy Body Dementia Association. LBDA.org
MCI: Mild cognitive impairment
MCI-LB: the form of MCI that precedes LBD
PD: Parkinson's disease
PDD: Parkinson's disease with dementia, where mobility issues occur first
PlwD: person/people living with dementia
PlwPD, LBD, PDD, AD, etc.: person/people living with PD, LBD, etc.

For more information about Lewy body disorders, read our books:
A Caregivers’ Guide to Lewy Body Dementia
Managing Cognitive Issues in Parkinson's and Lewy Body Dementia

Constructive Caring, #4: Changing Habits

OK, you've lowered your stress level, belong to a great support group, and are aware of some negative thinking habits that you want to change. Now what? Will those negative thoughts just disappear? Sorry, it doesn't work that way. Negative thinking is a habit that takes commitment, time and effort to change. However, people do it all the time and you can too!

To change a habit, you need to notice a specific behavior and make a conscious, personal commitment to change it to a viable alternative. Write this down and tell someone else. Then do it. Reward yourself when you succeed and be gentle with yourself when you forget, and keep trying until the change becomes a habit. (Reference)

Now let's break this down:

• Notice: You have to be aware of what isn't working before you can change it to anything else.
• Conscious: Negative thinking is often automatic, like a PlwD's.* But because you can think abstractly, you can make purposeful choices that put you on the road to change.
• Personal: This is about you, not the PlwD or anyone else. Changing for someone else is like trying to make a bed with a ten-foot pole. It can be done, but not very easily, not very well and the effort seldom lasts long enough to get the job completely done. 
  "I will notice when I use all or nothing thoughts and stop using them."
• Specific: The more specific your commitment is, the more effective it will be. Chose one specific type of negative thinking and focus on changing it to something more constructive.
  "I will notice when I use extreme, all or nothing, words like "always," "never" in my thoughts and stop using these words."
• Viable alternative: If you try to stop a behavior or a way of thinking without providing a replacement behavior, you leave a vacuum. Your brain will backfire and go into its default mode of worry. The replacement also has to be something that will work for you. If it isn't, your brain will balk again and the change won't happen.
  "I will notice when I use extreme words in like "always," "never" and change them to more accurate words like "sometimes," "this time."
• Write it down. Once your commitment statement is complete, reinforce it by writing it. Now the information gets to travel to your brain via another pathway. It is also something you can look at every day and use as a reminder.
• Tell someone else: You are more likely to stay on track if someone else knows about your commitment. Utilize your positive friends as role models and sounding boards. They can also confront any exaggeration of "mistakes" into "failures."
• Do it. Making a change requires overcoming the fear that you won't do it right, or that you might even fail and practicing the change over and over.
• Reward yourself. When you catch yourself exaggerating, stop and say something more accurate, give yourself a verbal pat on the back, a compliment--and mean it. "Hey, I did it. I'm getting more specific by the minute!" Your brain views sincere compliments as positively as it does a material gift.
• Be gentle. When you forget and exaggerate--and you will!--be as compassionate with yourself as you would be with a friend. Use the experience as a learning tool. Feel the guilt long enough to own the mistake. Then worry about it long enough to consider how to keep from doing it again. With that, the value of guilt and worry is over. Let them go.
• Keep on keeping on. Notice, commit, practice, reward, share, and do it again and again. Don't expect to change overnight. Researchers now say that it can take 2-6 months to change a habit. So be patient, keep working, keep rewarding yourself and keep talking about your successes.

Eventually, you will find that you are automatically using more accurate words instead of extreme words. You aren't making conscious choices anymore, it just comes naturally. It's a habit! With that done, you can start over and change another habit.

With each negative thinking habit you change to something more constructive, you will also experience some longer lasting rewards. Every so often, stop and take inventory. Are you happier? Do you feel better? Is your health better? What about your loved one? Is the same true for them? Are there fewer negative behaviors? Are they more content? And finally, own the constructive changes you've made and give yourself lots of credit.

Helen and James Whitworth are not doctors, lawyers or social workers. As informed caregivers, they share the information here for educational purposes only. It should never be used instead of a professional's advice.

We love and welcome comments but we will not publish any that advertise a product or a commercial website. This is especially true for testimonials about miraculous Parkinson's cures and marijuana.

* Acronyms:
AD: Alzheimer's disease
BPSD: Behavioral and psychological symptoms of dementia
DLB: Dementia with Lewy bodies, where cognitive/behavioral issues occur first
LBD: Lewy body dementia, an umbrella term for both DLB and PDD
MCI: Mild cognitive impairment
MCI-LB: the form of MCI that precedes LBD
PD: Parkinson's disease
PDD: Parkinson's disease with dementia, where mobility issues occur first
PlwD: person/people living with dementia
PlwPD, LBD, PDD, AD, etc.: person/people living with PD, LBD, etc.

For more information about Lewy body disorders, read our books:
A Caregivers’ Guide to Lewy Body Dementia
Managing Cognitive Issues in Parkinson's and Lewy Body Dementia

Constructive Caring, #5: Staying On The Path

Blogs in this series have been discussing ways to be a more constructive care partner, how to work towards being more positive. This isn't something that stops. It gets easier, but it still requires vigilance. Staying in that pleasant valley of positivity is not automatic. Roadblocks like stress and isolation still lurk just around the bend, ready to push you back up that mountain of negativity, where the terrain is steep and rocky, the air is thin and the weather uncertain at best. But don't despair, the closer you get to being positive, the easier it is to stay that way. Ways to do that are the focus of this blog.

First a very quick review of some of the stuff in previous blogs:

• Keep on monitoring your stress, surrounding yourself with positive people, making conscious choices, and turning negatives thoughts into positives ones.
• Live a healthy life, where you take care of your own health, psychological and social needs as well as you do the PlwD's.

Next, here are some more from one of my favorite bloggers, Eric Barker:

• Foster optimism. Care partners cam get caught up in irrational expectations, wanting life to go back to how it was. This keeps you stuck in failure and disappointment. Accept what is and you will be able to see many more possibilities.
• Face your fears. Hiding from fear makes it worse. Face it and you overcome it--and that is a euphoric feeling!
• Practice spirituality. Whatever your spiritual beliefs, practice them actively. It will give you strength and joy.
• Use role models. Find people you want to be like and imitate them. If you know some you don't want to be like, use their behavior as a guide for how not to live.
• Be a lifelong learner. Take time each day to learn or experience something new. Keep your brain sharp and it will give you solutions when you need them most.
• Be cognitively flexible. Humans tend to find a way to do things and when that doesn't work anymore, they simply try the same thing but with more effort. Be willing to try something else. Step back and look at the problem a different way.
•  Have meaning in your life. It is easy to get mired in the exhausting, time-consuming work of caregiving. However, the job can also be very rewarding. Take a deep breath and look for the rewards and the purpose. Remind yourself why you are doing this. How does this job have meaning for you? How do you find it rewarding?

It does get easier. With time and dedication, making conscious choices to be positive become habits that seem almost effortless. Well, maybe not THAT easy....you still have to continually deal with all those care partner roadblocks, but that gets easier too. The further out of the bad weather and rocky terrain of negativity you get, the easier the load is, even though you have the same tasks.

Next week: Overcoming the external stuff.

Helen and James Whitworth are not doctors, lawyers or social workers. As informed caregivers, they share the information here for educational purposes only. It should never be used instead of a professional's advice.

We love and welcome comments but we will not publish any that advertise a product or a commercial website. This is especially true for testimonials about miraculous Parkinson's cures and marijuana.

* Acronyms:
AD: Alzheimer's disease
BPSD: Behavioral and psychological symptoms of dementia
DLB: Dementia with Lewy bodies, where cognitive/behavioral issues occur first
LBD: Lewy body dementia, an umbrella term for both DLB and PDD
MCI: Mild cognitive impairment
MCI-LB: the form of MCI that precedes LBD
PD: Parkinson's disease
PDD: Parkinson's disease with dementia, where mobility issues occur first
PlwD: person/people living with dementia
PlwPD, LBD, PDD, AD, etc.: person/people living with PD, LBD, etc.

For more information about Lewy body disorders, read our books:
A Caregivers’ Guide to Lewy Body Dementia
Managing Cognitive Issues in Parkinson's and Lewy Body Dementia

Constructive Caring, #3: Conscious choices

The second blog in this series was about a couple of roadblocks to being a more constructive care partner. While it is true that positive thinkers function better over time than negative thinkers, our own brains make that an uphill battle. Last week's blog was about how our brains see negative stuff as urgent and how they resist change. Anything that causes negative emotions quickly and emphatically grabs our attention and is rushed into long-term memory. (Go back and read it if you haven't already.)

This means that without some conscious effort, what we think and say is likely to be mostly negative. Add other roadblocks a care partner faces, such as stress and isolation, and you may feel that trying to think constructively requires far too much effort in an already overburdened life. It doesn't and the rewards are huge. Because you can make conscious choices, you can gradually decrease your negative thinking by consciously doing and saying things that make you feel good, happy and contented.

You can choose to stop a negative thought and choose a different way to consider the issue. Make your goal thinking "in a different way," not "thinking positively." That's because 80% of us have naturally negative brains that get scared about "thinking positive" and backfire with worry. Instead, think "work on changing to something more helpful, something that feels better, something fun even."

• Be specific and accurate.  Extreme or catastrophic thoughts are usually too polar to be accurate. Being more moderate helps you be more specific, and thus more accurate and allows you to see the positives, and to see the negatives in more perspective. "All the time" becomes "today." "Never" becomes "not right now." "Terrible" becomes "not quite what I had in mind." "Failure" becomes a single mistake.
• Look for the challenge, instead of looking for the worst that could happen. "I'll never be able to do that," becomes. "What do I need to learn to be able to do that?" "This cake is terrible" might become "I think adding vanilla would improve this cake." "I'm such a failure" becomes "I need to learn more about how to do that job."
• Be your own friend. When you realize you are put yourself down, stop and say to yourself what you'd say to a friend. Instead of "Well that was stupid!" say, "We all make mistakes." Instead of "I'm just not good at that," try, "I'm still working on that." Instead of "I'm so dumb." try "I don't understand." 
• Look at the broader view and accept that some things just happen instead of playing the self-blame game. You are not responsible for every little thing that goes wrong. Accept that feeling guilty won't change the past and worrying won't change the future.

Making these changes doesn't happen over night. It takes time to change any habit, and negative thinking is a habit. We used to think it took about three weeks but new research is saying more like two to six months! So give yourself credit for the changing you do manage and keep working at it.
Next: Changing negative habits to more constructive ones.

Helen and James Whitworth are not doctors, lawyers or social workers. As informed caregivers, they share the information here for educational purposes only. It should never be used instead of a professional's advice.

We love and welcome comments but we will not publish any that advertise a product or a commercial website. This is especially true for testimonials about miraculous Parkinson's cures and marijuana.

* Acronyms:
AD: Alzheimer's disease
BPSD: Behavioral and psychological symptoms of dementia
DLB: Dementia with Lewy bodies, where cognitive/behavioral issues occur first
LBD: Lewy body dementia, an umbrella term for both DLB and PDD
MCI: Mild cognitive impairment
MCI-LB: the form of MCI that precedes LBD
PD: Parkinson's disease
PDD: Parkinson's disease with dementia, where mobility issues occur first
PlwD: person/people living with dementia
PlwPD, LBD, PDD, AD, etc.: person/people living with PD, LBD, etc.

For more information about Lewy body disorders, read our books:
A Caregivers’ Guide to Lewy Body Dementia
Managing Cognitive Issues in Parkinson's and Lewy Body Dementia