Reminiscing, Part 2

The previous blog was about using general conversation, writing and music to help a loved one reminisce. The process in itself adds entertainment and quality of life for your loved one and likely for you too. When you view this as a contribution to family history by taking careful notes, you also add a sense of usefulness that dementia steals away all too often. This week is about a few other ways you can help a loved one remember events and activities in their past.

Use art. Try having an art-fest with your loved one. Use crayons, or even better, water-soluble (and ingestible paints) and big sheets of paper. It’s great for getting out feelings and the artwork will usually trigger memories that your loved one can share. Never aim for perfection. Expression, and memory-triggering are the goals, along with the fun of doing something together.

Use writing. If you loved one can still write, ask them to write out stories about things they remember. The sooner you can do this the better because writing is often one of the first abilities to go. My mother wrote out a story about how in her twenties, she lived on an isolated wheat ranch and made of pet of a magpie. I really value this story and I’ve used it in our family history. My aunt spouted poetry all the time instead of telling stories and I asked her to write her poems out, which she did. I think of her every time I read them…or hear one of the poems somewhere else. As with music, being a good writer isn’t the goal. Getting the stories down on paper or tape is. Have fun doing it!

Use quilts or other objects/activities. Many older women have quilts made with fabric from old dresses or other memory-triggering clothing. As with the photos, ask a few questions to get them going and then let them take the lead. If not quilts, look for something that the person has done. My brother-in-law worked with electronics his whole career, and did amazing work. He loved to talk Jim about electronics even after his dementia-dulled thinking no longer allowed him to do the work.

The final step is to make use of all the information you glean from your loved one. Put their stories together in some kind of notebook or digital album, along with those photos of now-named people. Even after your loved one can no longer tell you stories, identify photos or sing, they will enjoy looking at the albums, hearing you read the stories and singing to them. Enjoy!

While your main objective is to provide enjoyment and quality of life for your loved one, don’t discount the value of documentation. At our recent reunion, one family member brought a blown glass pitcher that had belonged to my grandmother. After she died, almost 100 years ago, the pitcher passed on to my father. He may have told my niece what he knew about his mother’s pitcher but now my niece is gone too. Neither she nor my father left behind any information about it—except for who it had belonged to. While none of these people had dementia, both my father and niece died early. Was it something my grandmother brought with her on her train-trek from Vermont to Nevada? Was it a later gift sent from her Eastern relatives? Or was it a prize purchase she found in a Western store? We’ll never know. Make an effort to get stories written down about special items before it is too late. Your younger relatives will thank you years later!

For more information about Lewy body disorders, read our books:
A Caregivers’ Guide to Lewy Body Dementia
Managing Cognitive Issues in Parkinson's and Lewy Body Dementia

Helen and James Whitworth are not doctors, lawyers or social workers. As informed caregivers, they share the information here for educational purposes only. It should never be used instead of a professional's advice.

Reminiscing

We just attended a family reunion and so I’m thinking a lot about family connections. One of our favorite things to do is to listen to my 96 year-old brother tell us about earlier times. He is cognitively healthy, but even those with dementia can often share experiences from the past. They may not be able to remember recent events, but they can often remember more distant ones. Take advantage of this to document family history. Your loved one will enjoy the chance to reminisce and you will learn things about your family that you can pass on to your younger relatives.

No matter how you go about reminiscing, do take notes. If you feel uncomfortable writing, or if they feel uncomfortable with you doing so, consider a tape recorder. Actually, most cell phones have the ability to record now. Set the recorder up within easy hearing distance and in a few moments, both of you will have forgotten it. You can also video, but that is more intrusive, and harder to ignore.

Start a conversation about the past. Once your loved one has started talking, avoid interrupting as much as you can. For example, only ask questions that keep them talking. Be careful about asking clarifying questions because they interrupt the flow of memory and may cause even more confusion. Just relax and find someone else to quiz later. A note here. Dementia often causes times to be confused. In her nineties, my mother used to tell me stories about when she was a child…but she’d have people from the present, such as my brother, in the story as well. Don’t try to correct. The goal is to provide your loved one with an enjoyable time, and the two of you of a fun time together. The stories you get are bonuses!

Use photos. A wonderful way to get anyone to talk is to bring out the family album…or often that overflowing box of unfiled photos. Ask your loved one to tell you if they recognize anyone in the photos. If they do, they will often tell you something about the person as well. Keep your notebook handy! Again, once they start telling a story, avoid interrupting. Don’t worry if they get off track, or if like my mom, they get mixed up. As long as they are sharing memories with you, it’s good. The upside is that your loved one may put a name to some of those until now, unknown people in your photos. Most of your newer photos are computerized. If you are like me, you’ve uploaded most of your old ones as well. Consider making a special file of the photos that would be of most interest to your loved one. That way you won’t confuse them with unwanted photos flashing by as you look for one you want to talk about.

Use music. For this to be effective, you need to know what kind of music you loved one likes. Play the music and ask them to tell you about it. To get them started ask questions like what kinds of activities did they do when that music was popular, or what does a song mean to them. Have the words to the songs available and sing along with your loved one. It doesn’t matter if you can sing or not…or if they can, for that matter. The goal is to have fun with the music. Don’t neglect rhythm. Some people are more into rhythm than they are melody. Clap, tap your feet, even dance with them. My mother couldn’t carry a tune but she loved to sing and dance. Even when she was in a wheelchair and couldn’t recognize her grandchildren, we danced. It was a time both of us valued.

The next blog will be about other ways you can work with your loved one to help them to reminisce while adding to your own family history.

For more information about Lewy body disorders, read our books:
A Caregivers’ Guide to Lewy Body Dementia
Managing Cognitive Issues in Parkinson's and Lewy Body Dementia

Helen and James Whitworth are not doctors, lawyers or social workers. As informed caregivers, they share the information here for educational purposes only. It should never be used instead of a professional's advice.