This often means apologizing for something you didn’t do. However, the issue isn’t about what you did. It is about what your loved one BELIEVES you did—and this is something neither he nor you can change. But you can change your response. Our book, Responsive Dementia Care, explains it this way:
The last time Gerry accused me of infidelity, I just told him I was sorry. I was amazed. Once I'd accepted his way of seeing things, he calmed right down. Then, when I suggested we go have lunch, he was happy to go. - OliviaDon’t wait to apologize. Do it quickly. The longer you resist, the stronger your loved one’s emotions become and the harder it will be to deflect them.
Olivia’s apology defused the situation. Gerry felt heard and was able to let go of his painful negative feelings and relax so that Olivia was then able to use his short attention span to deflect his attention onto something more pleasant.
When you apologize, be sincere even if you didn't do anything wrong. Without sincerity, your apology may not work. You can justify to yourself an "I'm sorry" statement about something you didn't do by:
- Thinking about how sorry you are that your loved one is having to experience this unhappy experience, even though it is not your reality.
- Considering yourself an improv actor in their drama.
- Accepting apologizing as a tool that can quickly defuse negative feelings and replace them with positive feelings like validation and acceptance.
Next week, the blog will be the first in a series on what we call the LEADER Principles. This are a guide to help care partners deal with dementia-related behaviors.
For more information about Lewy body disorders, read our books:
A Caregivers’ Guide to Lewy Body Dementia
Managing Cognitive Issues in Parkinson's and Lewy Body Dementia
Responsive Dementia Care: Fewer Behaviors Fewer Drugs
Lewy Body Dementia: A Manual for Staff
Helen and James Whitworth are not doctors, lawyers or social workers. As informed caregivers, they share the information here for educational purposes only. It should never be used instead of a professional's advice.