For the past few weeks, Geroge's caregiver, Mary, has been learning ways to decrease her situational depression by using her ability to make changes in the way she thinks and responds to her feelings. She's learned to talk and write about her feelings, good and bad. Last week, she learned to laugh more. This week, she is working on making conscious choices and being grateful.
One of the abilities that LBD takes away is that of being able to make choices. With LBD, what you feel is what you get. While it is still true that Mary will feel whatever comes up for her, she doesn't have to stay with it. She can make a conscious choice to change the way she views the situation and generate a more positive feeling. Conscious choices require thinking. They are different from the automatic reactions that are Mary's (and anyone's) first response, and George's only response, to a feeling. They also require the ability to initiate, something else LBD has stolen from George. But George can still follow, and so when Mary changes the way she responds to a negative feeling, George is often able to follow suit.
Making conscious choices. This ability to change one's view of the situation is especially important when Mary begins to feel overwhelmed and discouraged with her job as caregiver. Doing something for someone else can be very uplifting. However, Mary won't feel better about doing things for George if she feels she has to. Then each chore is just one more burden, one more step deeper into depression. But if Mary steps back and remembers that this is a job she chose, she will be able to deal with it better and her depression won't get worse.
Reaffirming past choices. Like many caregivers, Mary made a choice to be George's caregiver when he was diagnosed. "I don't want anyone else caring for my George. This is my job," she said. Of course, when the caring gets rough, it is easy to forget this. Therefore, Mary must consciously remind herself of that earlier choice. She might prefer to be on the cruise they had planned, but, of the choices available to her now, this IS the one she has chosen--and the one she chooses again now. Mary's conscious reminder gives her back a feeling of being in control. With this, her job feels less burdensome even though nothing else has changed. Then, because Mary is more positive, George's anxiety decreases and so do his symptoms.
Gratitude. Like making choices, gratitude requires conscious thinking. That is, Mary has to consciously choose to be grateful--it is not a reflex action. But when she does choose to feel grateful, it helps to unblock Mary's depression-suppressed production of the pleasure-enhancing chemical, dopamine. When Mary's gratitude is directed towards others, it triggers paths in her brain that increase her ability to enjoy other people, something else that depression suppresses. As with any feeling, it also works better when she puts what she is grateful about into words. Because it is a positive feeling, Mary can share her gratefulness with George and he will feel better too. Then, Mary reinforces this by writing about it in her diary.
The best part is that like laughter, gratitude doesn't have to have a reason. Just looking for something to be grateful about triggers the dopamine, and those pleasurable feelings. It also requires Mary to think about the positive aspects of her life which triggers the production of serotonin, another "feel-good" chemical. Mary has now added "the attitude of gratitude" to her routine, along with the laughter yoga she learned last week. Every day, she takes a few minutes to think about what she's grateful for. Even if the day has been awful and she can't think of a thing, the searching for it is enough to help. Of course, finding something is even better.
Of course, these techniques aren't the whole answer. Mary must still take care of herself in other ways like having enough help, getting enough exercise and maybe even talking to her doctor about antidepressants.
For information about Lewy body disorders, read our books:
A Caregivers’ Guide to Lewy Body Dementia
Managing Cognitive Issues in Parkinson's and Lewy Body Dementia
Helen and James Whitworth are not doctors. As informed caregivers, they share the information here for educational purposes only. It should never be used instead of a physician's advice.
Showing posts with label gratitude. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gratitude. Show all posts
Friday, April 15, 2016
Friday, March 6, 2015
An Attitude of Gratitude
This week's blog is from LBD caregiver, Lisa Cooke, printed just as she wrote it. What wonderful advice!
People often tell me they can’t believe how well I’m handling our situation. This never fails to shock me since I know the real me and the moments I want to run away and never return, but whenever I hear their comments, they cause me to reflect on how we deal with Lewy Body and life in general.
I think most of our ability to cope comes from a core belief in an attitude of gratitude that came from my mother. No matter how horrible a situation is, there is something hidden inside that we can be grateful for. It’s a mind game of sorts, but it works something like this:
Instead of thinking: “Oh no, he needs a walker.” Think: “Thank goodness there are walkers and wheelchairs to help us.”
Instead of thinking: “I can’t believe my husband needs diapers,” Think: “Can you imagine what this would have been like before there were disposable diapers?”
Instead of thinking: “Why did this happen to us?” Think: “Thankfully, we got our children raised before this hit.”
Instead of thinking: “We had to sell our dream home to move into a retirement community.” Think: “I’m so glad we had enough equity in our home to afford this CCRC.”
Instead of thinking: “I am so alone and lost,” Think: “I’m so glad I have the support group to talk to.”
Sometimes the game is tougher than others. Those days when he’s hallucinating and up all night…those are the days when the best I can find is that I’m glad I’m retired and don’t have to get up in the morning to work. But that thought really does make me grateful.
My mother buried two daughters, one at the age of 12 who was born with severe cerebral palsy, and another who died from breast cancer at the age of 49. Mom provided care for both and with the second; she was the fulltime caregiver for my father who had PD at the same time my sister was dying from cancer. She has spent 36 years of her life being a primary caregiver to someone, but she always smiled and laughed and acted like her life was totally normal. She and Dad traveled, went out to eat with friends, and attended church up until the last three weeks before he died.
I learned a lot from her. I learned that you must deal with the hand you’re given whether you want to or not. She always says, “You just do what you gotta do,” and she’s right. Our marriage picked up a third member named Lewy. He wasn’t welcomed, but he’s here and (at the risk of sounding like Scarlett O’Hara) as God as my witness, we’re going to continue living our life to the fullest possible despite Lewy’s unwelcomed arrival.
Next week we’re going to the beach for a week in a big house with all our kids and grandkids. Part of it will be exhausting, but part of it will be glorious. I’m going for the glorious part. We’ll have to pack his walker and wheel chair. I’ll do all the packing and driving and I’ll have to sleep on an air mattress on the floor of his room so I can help him find the bathroom at night. But right now, I feel so blessed. I get to spend a week, walking on the beach, listening to the surf, and playing with my grandchildren.
How lucky am I?
Thank you Lisa!
People often tell me they can’t believe how well I’m handling our situation. This never fails to shock me since I know the real me and the moments I want to run away and never return, but whenever I hear their comments, they cause me to reflect on how we deal with Lewy Body and life in general.
I think most of our ability to cope comes from a core belief in an attitude of gratitude that came from my mother. No matter how horrible a situation is, there is something hidden inside that we can be grateful for. It’s a mind game of sorts, but it works something like this:
Instead of thinking: “Oh no, he needs a walker.” Think: “Thank goodness there are walkers and wheelchairs to help us.”
Instead of thinking: “I can’t believe my husband needs diapers,” Think: “Can you imagine what this would have been like before there were disposable diapers?”
Instead of thinking: “Why did this happen to us?” Think: “Thankfully, we got our children raised before this hit.”
Instead of thinking: “We had to sell our dream home to move into a retirement community.” Think: “I’m so glad we had enough equity in our home to afford this CCRC.”
Instead of thinking: “I am so alone and lost,” Think: “I’m so glad I have the support group to talk to.”
Sometimes the game is tougher than others. Those days when he’s hallucinating and up all night…those are the days when the best I can find is that I’m glad I’m retired and don’t have to get up in the morning to work. But that thought really does make me grateful.
My mother buried two daughters, one at the age of 12 who was born with severe cerebral palsy, and another who died from breast cancer at the age of 49. Mom provided care for both and with the second; she was the fulltime caregiver for my father who had PD at the same time my sister was dying from cancer. She has spent 36 years of her life being a primary caregiver to someone, but she always smiled and laughed and acted like her life was totally normal. She and Dad traveled, went out to eat with friends, and attended church up until the last three weeks before he died.
I learned a lot from her. I learned that you must deal with the hand you’re given whether you want to or not. She always says, “You just do what you gotta do,” and she’s right. Our marriage picked up a third member named Lewy. He wasn’t welcomed, but he’s here and (at the risk of sounding like Scarlett O’Hara) as God as my witness, we’re going to continue living our life to the fullest possible despite Lewy’s unwelcomed arrival.
Next week we’re going to the beach for a week in a big house with all our kids and grandkids. Part of it will be exhausting, but part of it will be glorious. I’m going for the glorious part. We’ll have to pack his walker and wheel chair. I’ll do all the packing and driving and I’ll have to sleep on an air mattress on the floor of his room so I can help him find the bathroom at night. But right now, I feel so blessed. I get to spend a week, walking on the beach, listening to the surf, and playing with my grandchildren.
How lucky am I?
Thank you Lisa!
For more information about Lewy body disorders read our
books:
Friday, January 3, 2014
A New Year
When a family is dealing with dementia, it is not always easy to be optimistic about the New Year—or anything new for that matter. We learn to value the old, the known, the familiar. We know that anything new, anything different, anything unexpected is not likely to be fun for our loved ones—and therefore not for us either. Our loved ones need familiarity. They need their rituals and their routines to give their days and their lives order and to give them a touch of that sense of control that is slowly but relentlessly fading.
As caregivers, we know that Lewy is progressively degenerative. There may be ups but the lows follow and become increasingly lower. As the year unrolls, unwanted changes will be more likely that than good news. Additional worries and tasks add burdens to a life that is often already overwhelming. We watch our loved ones decline and live for the few sparks of the person-that-was that shines through now and then.
How then can we look forward to this new year and along with the changes that it brings? How then can we embrace this new year and call it our own?
It’s in appreciating the little things and keeping a positive outlook. That doesn’t mean hiding from reality or denying Lewy. It means being on the outlook for the good things. The touch of humor, the beautiful sunset, the cozy chair by a warm fireplace, an ice cream cone, the call from family. The shared joke—even when it doesn’t make sense. A walk around the block, a visit from a friend. Kindness from a stranger. A kind word or a thoughtful gift. Make a point of consciously appreciating each positive and the negatives will be a little less burdensome.
It’s in the giving. Giving is often more rewarding than receiving. Even with a crowded life and little free time, find ways to give, if only a smile, a kind word or an inexpensive gift. For gifting to be rewarding to the gifter, it should be done lovingly and freely without expectations or conditions. Often this gifting will be to your loved one, but reach out and give to others as well. You’ll be surprised at how good it feels. (reference)
It’s in the feelings of gratitude. Look for ways to feel fortunate and ways to feel wealthy—not just monetarily but in other ways, too. When you are down and feeling overwhelmed, look for things to feel grateful for. You can even keep a gratitude journal and refer to it when you need a lift. (reference)
And it’s in the stress management. Rigorously keep stress to a minimum. Anything that causes you or your loved one stress is going to increase symptoms. Be alert for triggers and work around them. If a certain type of music makes either of you irritated or anxious, avoid it like the plague. If red plates make meals less troublesome (and they often do!) buy red plates and use them religiously. If crowds are too stressful anymore, avoid them. Find other times or other places to shop, or enjoy an outing.
Look for the fun, the humor, the touches of kindness and focus on those. Save the memories of them up in your Gratitude Journal and use these “tokens” to replay in your mind when you are stressed or hurting. You’ll be amazed at how many tokens you can find if you look. And each one will help you feel more optimistic, more loved and loving. Each one will make the difficult job of caregiving a little easier.
For more about LBD, read The Whitworth’s A Caregiver’s Guide to Lewy Body Dementia, available in the LBD Book Corner on LBDtools.com.
As caregivers, we know that Lewy is progressively degenerative. There may be ups but the lows follow and become increasingly lower. As the year unrolls, unwanted changes will be more likely that than good news. Additional worries and tasks add burdens to a life that is often already overwhelming. We watch our loved ones decline and live for the few sparks of the person-that-was that shines through now and then.
How then can we look forward to this new year and along with the changes that it brings? How then can we embrace this new year and call it our own?
It’s in appreciating the little things and keeping a positive outlook. That doesn’t mean hiding from reality or denying Lewy. It means being on the outlook for the good things. The touch of humor, the beautiful sunset, the cozy chair by a warm fireplace, an ice cream cone, the call from family. The shared joke—even when it doesn’t make sense. A walk around the block, a visit from a friend. Kindness from a stranger. A kind word or a thoughtful gift. Make a point of consciously appreciating each positive and the negatives will be a little less burdensome.
It’s in the giving. Giving is often more rewarding than receiving. Even with a crowded life and little free time, find ways to give, if only a smile, a kind word or an inexpensive gift. For gifting to be rewarding to the gifter, it should be done lovingly and freely without expectations or conditions. Often this gifting will be to your loved one, but reach out and give to others as well. You’ll be surprised at how good it feels. (reference)
It’s in the feelings of gratitude. Look for ways to feel fortunate and ways to feel wealthy—not just monetarily but in other ways, too. When you are down and feeling overwhelmed, look for things to feel grateful for. You can even keep a gratitude journal and refer to it when you need a lift. (reference)
And it’s in the stress management. Rigorously keep stress to a minimum. Anything that causes you or your loved one stress is going to increase symptoms. Be alert for triggers and work around them. If a certain type of music makes either of you irritated or anxious, avoid it like the plague. If red plates make meals less troublesome (and they often do!) buy red plates and use them religiously. If crowds are too stressful anymore, avoid them. Find other times or other places to shop, or enjoy an outing.
Look for the fun, the humor, the touches of kindness and focus on those. Save the memories of them up in your Gratitude Journal and use these “tokens” to replay in your mind when you are stressed or hurting. You’ll be amazed at how many tokens you can find if you look. And each one will help you feel more optimistic, more loved and loving. Each one will make the difficult job of caregiving a little easier.
For more about LBD, read The Whitworth’s A Caregiver’s Guide to Lewy Body Dementia, available in the LBD Book Corner on LBDtools.com.
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