The Power of Being Postive

Today’s blog is one of my favorite Pat Snyder videos. Being positive is truly powerful. It doesn't just feel good. It IS good. Research shows being positive makes you not only happier but healthier and more energetic. Since being positive is contagious, so are the people around you--including your loved one.

Being positive is not always easy. As a care partner, you may already feel overwhelmed. And this world is even more overwhelming right now. With each of these negative situations, I've added my own positive response. What is yours?

• A pandemic is changing and limiting our lives. It can be difficult for care partners to get needed help, for singles living alone in isolation, or for out-of-work people trying to exist without a paycheck. My positive: We are a healthy, active retired couple with interests that keep us from being bored--well, most of the time!
• Several of our cities are hurting with protests and their accompanying police actions. I have a grandson in Portland. You may also have loved ones involved in one way or another there or in other cities. My positive: I am so proud of my grandson!
• The media is bombarding us with negative and divisive political ads. I often wonder how much barely skirts the truth, if that. My positive: Although we avoid many ads by taping our shows, I have fun analyzing the ones I have to watch. I look for how they are trying to convince me of their "truth." Yes, that's my psychology background--but it takes me out of the gut reaction they want me to have.
• Weather conditions have been extreme, with earthquakes and hurricanes and the like. For  us in Arizona, it is record-breaking heat with very little of the usual monsoon rains. My positive: I'm so grateful for our well-functioning air conditioning--and for my new three-wheeler that I ride at 5am when it a little cooler.

Focusing on all or any of these issues can cloud the positives. But they are still there. In her video, Pat tells us how to look for the positives in our lives and use them.

Here's Pat's video.

Notice that Pat doesn’t say that staying positive easy or that it comes naturally. It takes commitment and practice. I think it also takes forgiveness, self-forgiveness, that is, because you won’t always succeed. Don’t stay stuck in your failures but look for the lesson: Ask yourself: What can I do to make it easier to be positive next time? And then, move on.

Pat tells you that being positive is a conscious choice and that the present is the only place where you have control. I’ve taught for years that guilt is mainly a futile effort to manage the past and worry is an equally futile effort to manage the future. When you let go of the guilts around what was and the worries of what might be, being positive right now gets a lot easier.

For more information about Lewy body disorders, read our books:
A Caregivers’ Guide to Lewy Body Dementia
Managing Cognitive Issues in Parkinson's and Lewy Body Dementia
Responsive Dementia Care: Fewer Behaviors Fewer Drugs
Lewy Body Dementia: A Manual for Staff

Helen and James Whitworth are not doctors, lawyers or social workers. As informed caregivers, they share the information here for educational purposes only. It should never be used instead of a professional's advice.

When Nothing Seems to Work, Part 2

Last week started a series on dealing with difficult behaviors. That blog noted that the first line of defense has to be the care partner's own self care. Only then can you expect to a) respond appropriately to your loved ones unwanted behaviors and b) avoid having your loved one react to your underlying and stressful feelings instead of what you are doing and saying overtly.

This week's blog is about how while dementia changes many things for both the person living with the disease and their care partner, not everything changes--or it only partly changes.

A person living with LBD (PlwLBD) is usually just a more difficult version of the person they were before. Likewise, the relationship you had with your loved one will likely be similar to what you had before, only there will probably be more negatives and these will be more extreme. That's because the dementia-riddled brain:

• is one track, going first with the most demanding emotions, which will usually be negative.
• processes in an all or nothing mode, so that any negativity at all will likely be exhibited as extreme.

We know a young couple who have a very stormy relationship. It cycles from angry arguments to passionate make-ups and back again. This works for them--now. Both of them would tell you that they are married to the love of their lives. "It keeps our relationship interesting and fresh," they say. Even so, I dread to think how that couple would fare if Lewy entered their lives!

Another couple we know are just as committed to their spouses. However, their relationship is much less bumpy and exciting. "We enjoy each other. We have our differences but we can usually talk it out," they say. This couple would probably be able to deal with Lewy much better.

Sadly, dementia multiplies the negatives in a relationship and often ignores the positives. It's the way the brain works. Negatives are given crisis status and therefore are the first to be noticed. That's fine as long as a person can think abstractly. Then, we can look past the negatives to the positives and see that they outweigh the bad. "A person with the ability to think abstractly might say, "I don't like the way my life has changed, but I still have many things to enjoy." The dementia-damaged brain can't do that. It stops with the first information it receives -- "I don't like the way my life has changed."

Even with help, the PlwLBD isn't going to be budged. This is their truth, their reality. Loving, patient explanations aren't going to change that. Angry, frustrated responses will only fix it firmer in place. All your efforts will do is cause your loved one to believe that you don't care and aren't even trying to see it their way--the only way.

Successful dementia care requires huge amounts of empathy in care partners. With it you can enter into a PlwLBD's reality and have a chance of useful communication. On the other hand, dementia takes away the PlwLBD's ability to empathize and so this isn't a two-way street. Don't expect a PlwLBD to understand your frustration, your fears, your worries or your hurt feelings. Instead, they will pick up the emotions you broadcast and mirror them back at you as their own anger and frustration--with no recognition of your feelings and no need to help you feel better.

Back to the couples mentioned earlier, the first couple dealt with their differences by fighting about them, with very little empathy for each other. The second couple made an effort to empathize and come to a mutually acceptable solution. If Lewy hits, empathy is going to go a lot sooner for the first couple than it will for the second couple. Again, what we were is what we get with Lewy, only worse!

The moral of this blog might be "Work to have positive, empathetic relationships while you are healthy because that becomes even more important--and more difficult--when illness hits! Of course, most of those who read this will be beyond the ability to prepare...you are already in the midst of dealing with the damage dementia causes! But all is not lost. Although the PlwLBD is beyond change, the dementia care partner still can. You can focus on being positive instead of broadcasting those volatile negative emotions. You can be empathetic and thus able to respond to your loved one's reality rather than your own.

Or you can if you've taken the first step and are making these efforts with a rested mind and body! But even then, nothing works all the time. It may not be because you "didn't do it right" but just because Lewy is being perverse and difficult. You just have step away, and then try something else...ask for help, ask for ideas.

New week, more about dealing the difficult behaviors and staying sane.

For more information about Lewy body disorders, read our books:
A Caregivers’ Guide to Lewy Body Dementia
Managing Cognitive Issues in Parkinson's and Lewy Body Dementia
Responsive Dementia Care: Fewer Behaviors Fewer Drugs
Riding A Roller Coaster with Lewy Body Dementia: A Manual for Staff

Helen and James Whitworth are not doctors, lawyers or social workers. As informed caregivers, they share the information here for educational purposes only. It should never be used instead of a professional's advice.

Constructive Caring, #7: Enjoying the Journey

The last blog in this series is about ways to enjoy staying positive. That's important being a positive care partner requires constant attention, constant effort. But that's OK because, the more you work on staying positive, the more enjoyable--and fun!--you will find it to be.

Meditate: Even a few minutes of meditation a day will decrease stress and improve sleep. Bonus: It also improves clarity and focus, both of which last long after the meditation is over. The goal is to give your brain a rest from all the busy, busy thinking it does. Meditation operates on the premise that your brain can do only one thing at a time. It rests your brain, adds oxygen and just makes you feel good. Here is a quick easy mediation:

• Close your eyes and focus on your breathing. In and out, slow and easy.
• Do that for as long as you want. Don't worry if you find yourself blanking out or drifting off. Just go back to focusing on your breathing.
• If you feel pulled in some other direction, if you find yourself thinking about something else, gently draw your attention back to your breathing.
• Don't be disappointed if you find it difficult to stay focused at first. That's normal. Just keep trying.

Slow down. Take time to stop and smell the roses, look at the sunsets, notice your loved one's smile, enjoy a relaxed meal. Even talking slower is better for you. Speedy behaviors cause the motivation hormones connected with negativity to flow and make you more nervous and uncomfortable. (And here you thought that talking slower was something you did for your loved one who needed the time to process! News flash: It is also good for you.)

Listen to music. Music is magic! It can relax you or energize you. Warning! Music can also trigger negative emotions, especially anxiety. If you find a kind of music that doesn't make you feel good, avoid it. You don't need that! Find music that you do enjoy and that relaxes or energizes you and listen to it regularly. Include the PlwD*, and make it a part of your daily lives. Music travels to the brain along its own pathway and people can enjoy it long after they can use language. Sing. Dance. Be the music. The more you do this, the more positive you will feel. The positive feelings you get from music will last a long time after the music has stopped playing.

Give a gift. It doesn't have to be material. Offer a compliment, help out with a chore, do a little extra. Caregiving can become more job than "helping" but if you offer just a little bit more, an extra pat or hug, it becomes a gift. Giving a gift triggers your own feel good hormones more than once. When you choose a gift for a specific person, you will likely imagine what it will feel like to give it. Since your brain doesn't differentiate between imaginary and real, you get to enjoy a hit of feel-good hormones then. With any gift, you get a hit when you actually give it and another when the giftee shows appreciation. (That's why, when you receive a compliment, you never want to discount it. Your self-put-down deprives the donor of their return gift.)

Laugh, smile and nod. Laugh all you can. Smile at everybody. Agree with people as often as you can. Nod to music. Yes, even that works! These all cause those gift-giving and receiving hits of feel-good hormones and another from the feeling of connection when your friend laughs, smiles or nods back with you. But you don't really need a reason to laugh, smile or nod. Just do it. They trigger your body to respond as though you were saying "Yes! Yes! Yes!" Even looking for reasons to laugh, smile and nod causes your body to respond as though you were actually doing it.

Be grateful. Gratefulness is another one like laughter that doesn't need a reason. Just looking for a reason is enough to trigger those feel good hormones. Just being grateful is enough, in fact. But finding the reasons increases your good feelings even more. Like other positive behaviors, gratefulness is contagious and so make sure you share. Tell others and give examples. For a real lift, read Lisa Cooke's guest blog entry on an attitude of gratitude. (3/6/2015)
http://lewybodydementia.blogspot.com/2015/03/an-attitude-of-gratitude.html

Use second-hand positivity. We match what we see, so just looking at something positive will make you feel positive. A cute puppy, a picture of a child's happy smile, an enjoyable movie, even a photo of a past happy event. In fact, you don't even need the photo. Just day dream about some past joy and you will get to relive the same happy feelings.

Play. Set aside some time to play, to do something just for fun, whatever that might be for you. Like music and meditation, the relaxation and clarity you get from playing will last for a long time after you finish up and go back to work. That's why kids have recesses!

(reference)

OK, now it is your turn. What do you do to keep on feeling positive?


Helen and James Whitworth are not doctors, lawyers or social workers. As informed caregivers, they share the information here for educational purposes only. It should never be used instead of a professional's advice.

We love and welcome comments but we will not publish any that advertise a product or a commercial website. This is especially true for testimonials about miraculous Parkinson's cures and marijuana.

* Acronyms:
AD: Alzheimer's disease
BPSD: Behavioral and psychological symptoms of dementia
DLB: Dementia with Lewy bodies, where cognitive/behavioral issues occur first
LBD: Lewy body dementia, an umbrella term for both DLB and PDD
MCI: Mild cognitive impairment
MCI-LB: the form of MCI that precedes LBD
PD: Parkinson's disease
PDD: Parkinson's disease with dementia, where mobility issues occur first
PlwD: person/people living with dementia
PlwPD, LBD, PDD, AD, etc.: person/people living with PD, LBD, etc.

For more information about Lewy body disorders, read our books:
A Caregivers’ Guide to Lewy Body Dementia
Managing Cognitive Issues in Parkinson's and Lewy Body Dementia

Constructive Caring, #6: Dealing with Externals

The past blogs have mostly been about how you can think and act more constructively and make your own life and that of the PlwD's* happier, healthier and just plain easier. But sometimes, life intervenes and things beyond your control happen that are difficult to deal with. Nevertheless, you still have the power to choose how to deal with these unhappy events. By making conscious choices about how you view them, and how you think about them you can limit their negative effect on you and on your loved one.

• Look for the blessings. Instead of complaining, look for how the situation adds something to your life...interest, learning, experiences, etc "The worst service I ever had" becomes, "I'm glad we went there. Now I'll know not to go again!" "I lost again. I'm so unlucky." becomes "I sure had fun playing that game with you."
• Look for the silver lining even when things are truly bad and painful. You will naturally have some negative feelings--and rightfully so. Nevertheless, instead of allowing yourself to wallow in the negativity, look for that silver lining. "My mother has passed away and I really miss her but I feel so fortunate to have had her in my life."."
• Avoid feeling guilty. People often use guilt as an effort to control past events--it doesn't work. Your guilt will not change anything except to make you feel worse. Instead make a conscious choice to find something to feel better about. Instead of "I feel so bad that I wasn't always a good daughter, think, "We had some great times together."
• Look for the humor. Sometimes you may have to dig to find the positives but make it a fun challenge. "This trip is so disastrous that I know we'll laugh about later."

Criticism. One of the most difficult things a care partner has to deal with is criticism from family and even friends of a situation that they may not know as much as about as they think they do. Even when meant well, criticism can be difficult to deal with and if a person is already into self-blame, it can be catastrophic. Here are some guidelines to making criticism a little easier to deal with:

• Listen carefully. This is often the hardest part, especially if you don't believe the criticism is fair.
• Take a deep breath and think before you respond.
• Who is this about? "Is this about me, or them?" Is the them the PlwD*, who feels bad, and sees you as responsible for everything. Is the them a family member who is in denial or uneducated about the situation?
• Can this help me? Even if it is more about the other person than you, could the criticism be constructive? How? Will it add more information, more ideas? Or will it add to your own self-blame, guilt or worry?
• Choose to reply or let it go. Feel free to ignore a criticism if it isn't helpful.
  --With the PlwD, you may have to respond in some way so that they feel heard, but then you can move the conversation on into something more positive.
  --With uneducated family members who see Showtime** as the PlwD normal behavior, you will have to decide if they will accept or understand further education about LBD. Printed handouts from the LBDA or a medical source may work better than your own explanations.
• If you reply, stay positive, ask questions as needed and say "Thanks." Saying "Thanks" does not mean that you agree with the person, only that you appreciate their interest.
  --With a PlwD who is blaming you because of a delusion, you must not deny the accusation. Instead, become an improv actor and say you are sorry. (See blogs on dealing with delusions)
• Review. Make a conscious choice to accept the critique as constructive if you can find anything of value in it. Then plan how you will make any needed changes. Otherwise, consider it destructive and therefore, not worth your time.
• Let it go. Once you know of the issue (if there really is one), and have decided how to deal with it, the criticism's job is done.

Next week: On to happier topics, like how to have enjoy being positive and have fun with it.

Helen and James Whitworth are not doctors, lawyers or social workers. As informed caregivers, they share the information here for educational purposes only. It should never be used instead of a professional's advice.

We love and welcome comments but we will not publish any that advertise a product or a commercial website. This is especially true for testimonials about miraculous Parkinson's cures and marijuana.

** Showtime: When a PlwD is experiencing a period of more than normal awareness. Often occurs with visiting family members or during doctor visits.

* Acronyms:
AD: Alzheimer's disease
BPSD: Behavioral and psychological symptoms of dementia
DLB: Dementia with Lewy bodies, where cognitive/behavioral issues occur first
LBD: Lewy body dementia, an umbrella term for both DLB and PDD
LBDA: Lewy Body Dementia Association. LBDA.org
MCI: Mild cognitive impairment
MCI-LB: the form of MCI that precedes LBD
PD: Parkinson's disease
PDD: Parkinson's disease with dementia, where mobility issues occur first
PlwD: person/people living with dementia
PlwPD, LBD, PDD, AD, etc.: person/people living with PD, LBD, etc.

For more information about Lewy body disorders, read our books:
A Caregivers’ Guide to Lewy Body Dementia
Managing Cognitive Issues in Parkinson's and Lewy Body Dementia

Constructive Caring, #4: Changing Habits

OK, you've lowered your stress level, belong to a great support group, and are aware of some negative thinking habits that you want to change. Now what? Will those negative thoughts just disappear? Sorry, it doesn't work that way. Negative thinking is a habit that takes commitment, time and effort to change. However, people do it all the time and you can too!

To change a habit, you need to notice a specific behavior and make a conscious, personal commitment to change it to a viable alternative. Write this down and tell someone else. Then do it. Reward yourself when you succeed and be gentle with yourself when you forget, and keep trying until the change becomes a habit. (Reference)

Now let's break this down:

• Notice: You have to be aware of what isn't working before you can change it to anything else.
• Conscious: Negative thinking is often automatic, like a PlwD's.* But because you can think abstractly, you can make purposeful choices that put you on the road to change.
• Personal: This is about you, not the PlwD or anyone else. Changing for someone else is like trying to make a bed with a ten-foot pole. It can be done, but not very easily, not very well and the effort seldom lasts long enough to get the job completely done. 
  "I will notice when I use all or nothing thoughts and stop using them."
• Specific: The more specific your commitment is, the more effective it will be. Chose one specific type of negative thinking and focus on changing it to something more constructive.
  "I will notice when I use extreme, all or nothing, words like "always," "never" in my thoughts and stop using these words."
• Viable alternative: If you try to stop a behavior or a way of thinking without providing a replacement behavior, you leave a vacuum. Your brain will backfire and go into its default mode of worry. The replacement also has to be something that will work for you. If it isn't, your brain will balk again and the change won't happen.
  "I will notice when I use extreme words in like "always," "never" and change them to more accurate words like "sometimes," "this time."
• Write it down. Once your commitment statement is complete, reinforce it by writing it. Now the information gets to travel to your brain via another pathway. It is also something you can look at every day and use as a reminder.
• Tell someone else: You are more likely to stay on track if someone else knows about your commitment. Utilize your positive friends as role models and sounding boards. They can also confront any exaggeration of "mistakes" into "failures."
• Do it. Making a change requires overcoming the fear that you won't do it right, or that you might even fail and practicing the change over and over.
• Reward yourself. When you catch yourself exaggerating, stop and say something more accurate, give yourself a verbal pat on the back, a compliment--and mean it. "Hey, I did it. I'm getting more specific by the minute!" Your brain views sincere compliments as positively as it does a material gift.
• Be gentle. When you forget and exaggerate--and you will!--be as compassionate with yourself as you would be with a friend. Use the experience as a learning tool. Feel the guilt long enough to own the mistake. Then worry about it long enough to consider how to keep from doing it again. With that, the value of guilt and worry is over. Let them go.
• Keep on keeping on. Notice, commit, practice, reward, share, and do it again and again. Don't expect to change overnight. Researchers now say that it can take 2-6 months to change a habit. So be patient, keep working, keep rewarding yourself and keep talking about your successes.

Eventually, you will find that you are automatically using more accurate words instead of extreme words. You aren't making conscious choices anymore, it just comes naturally. It's a habit! With that done, you can start over and change another habit.

With each negative thinking habit you change to something more constructive, you will also experience some longer lasting rewards. Every so often, stop and take inventory. Are you happier? Do you feel better? Is your health better? What about your loved one? Is the same true for them? Are there fewer negative behaviors? Are they more content? And finally, own the constructive changes you've made and give yourself lots of credit.

Helen and James Whitworth are not doctors, lawyers or social workers. As informed caregivers, they share the information here for educational purposes only. It should never be used instead of a professional's advice.

We love and welcome comments but we will not publish any that advertise a product or a commercial website. This is especially true for testimonials about miraculous Parkinson's cures and marijuana.

* Acronyms:
AD: Alzheimer's disease
BPSD: Behavioral and psychological symptoms of dementia
DLB: Dementia with Lewy bodies, where cognitive/behavioral issues occur first
LBD: Lewy body dementia, an umbrella term for both DLB and PDD
MCI: Mild cognitive impairment
MCI-LB: the form of MCI that precedes LBD
PD: Parkinson's disease
PDD: Parkinson's disease with dementia, where mobility issues occur first
PlwD: person/people living with dementia
PlwPD, LBD, PDD, AD, etc.: person/people living with PD, LBD, etc.

For more information about Lewy body disorders, read our books:
A Caregivers’ Guide to Lewy Body Dementia
Managing Cognitive Issues in Parkinson's and Lewy Body Dementia

Constructive Caring, #3: Conscious choices

The second blog in this series was about a couple of roadblocks to being a more constructive care partner. While it is true that positive thinkers function better over time than negative thinkers, our own brains make that an uphill battle. Last week's blog was about how our brains see negative stuff as urgent and how they resist change. Anything that causes negative emotions quickly and emphatically grabs our attention and is rushed into long-term memory. (Go back and read it if you haven't already.)

This means that without some conscious effort, what we think and say is likely to be mostly negative. Add other roadblocks a care partner faces, such as stress and isolation, and you may feel that trying to think constructively requires far too much effort in an already overburdened life. It doesn't and the rewards are huge. Because you can make conscious choices, you can gradually decrease your negative thinking by consciously doing and saying things that make you feel good, happy and contented.

You can choose to stop a negative thought and choose a different way to consider the issue. Make your goal thinking "in a different way," not "thinking positively." That's because 80% of us have naturally negative brains that get scared about "thinking positive" and backfire with worry. Instead, think "work on changing to something more helpful, something that feels better, something fun even."

• Be specific and accurate.  Extreme or catastrophic thoughts are usually too polar to be accurate. Being more moderate helps you be more specific, and thus more accurate and allows you to see the positives, and to see the negatives in more perspective. "All the time" becomes "today." "Never" becomes "not right now." "Terrible" becomes "not quite what I had in mind." "Failure" becomes a single mistake.
• Look for the challenge, instead of looking for the worst that could happen. "I'll never be able to do that," becomes. "What do I need to learn to be able to do that?" "This cake is terrible" might become "I think adding vanilla would improve this cake." "I'm such a failure" becomes "I need to learn more about how to do that job."
• Be your own friend. When you realize you are put yourself down, stop and say to yourself what you'd say to a friend. Instead of "Well that was stupid!" say, "We all make mistakes." Instead of "I'm just not good at that," try, "I'm still working on that." Instead of "I'm so dumb." try "I don't understand." 
• Look at the broader view and accept that some things just happen instead of playing the self-blame game. You are not responsible for every little thing that goes wrong. Accept that feeling guilty won't change the past and worrying won't change the future.

Making these changes doesn't happen over night. It takes time to change any habit, and negative thinking is a habit. We used to think it took about three weeks but new research is saying more like two to six months! So give yourself credit for the changing you do manage and keep working at it.
Next: Changing negative habits to more constructive ones.

Helen and James Whitworth are not doctors, lawyers or social workers. As informed caregivers, they share the information here for educational purposes only. It should never be used instead of a professional's advice.

We love and welcome comments but we will not publish any that advertise a product or a commercial website. This is especially true for testimonials about miraculous Parkinson's cures and marijuana.

* Acronyms:
AD: Alzheimer's disease
BPSD: Behavioral and psychological symptoms of dementia
DLB: Dementia with Lewy bodies, where cognitive/behavioral issues occur first
LBD: Lewy body dementia, an umbrella term for both DLB and PDD
MCI: Mild cognitive impairment
MCI-LB: the form of MCI that precedes LBD
PD: Parkinson's disease
PDD: Parkinson's disease with dementia, where mobility issues occur first
PlwD: person/people living with dementia
PlwPD, LBD, PDD, AD, etc.: person/people living with PD, LBD, etc.

For more information about Lewy body disorders, read our books:
A Caregivers’ Guide to Lewy Body Dementia
Managing Cognitive Issues in Parkinson's and Lewy Body Dementia

Constructive Caring, #2: Identifying the Roadblocks

The first blog of this series was about the many advantages of being a positive care partner. However, that isn't always easy, as any care partner knows.

•  Living with negativity can be like being is high on a mountain, where there isn't enough oxygen, the path is steep and rocky and the weather is so bad that you can't see more than a few feet in front of you.
• Every step you take is scary and every step gets harder because you are getting more and more tired. But you feel stuck. You feel like you just have to keep climbing. 
• But you don't. Once you recognize your power of choice, you can stop, make a conscious choice to be positive and head back down the mountain. 
• The weather will get better, your path will be less steep, the scary rocks will turn to gravel and your energy level will improve. 
• Being negative uses up your energy and makes you feel tired and hopeless. The longer you stay negative, the harder life gets. 
• In contrast, the longer you stay positive, the easier life gets. You literally do have more oxygen, for example. You still have the same tasks but they seem easier and more doable.

This blog discusses some of the roadblocks that keep you from getting down that mountain where positivity makes life easier.

Roadblock #1: Stress. Choices, especially conscious choices require abstract thinking. That's something we learn to do as we grow up and use all the time without even realizing it. However, when you get so caught up in caregiving that you become stressed and overwhelmed, you lose the ability to think clearly or be flexible.

• These stress-related, dementia-like symptoms immobilize you and keep you stuck making the same choices you've been making, even when what you are doing becomes continually harder and less rewarding. 
• You will likely need help to escape the stress/negative thinking/more stress cycle. This is often a crisis of some sort. Sometimes, it is a confrontation from family or friends but all too often it is an accident, such as a loved one's fall or the care partner's injured back. 
• Once you've decreased your overwhelming physical, emotional and mental burden, you can do other things. But getting help comes first. Care partnering is not a one person job. 

GET THAT HELP!

Roadblock #2: The company you keep. As humans, we tend to pick up and reflect the attitudes of those around us. Like yawns, both negative and positive emotions are contagious.

• Round one: When the PlwD* loses the ability to make choices, negative thinking becomes their norm. As their closest companion, you will pick up and experience that negativity too.
• Round two: An expert at perceiving other's feelings, The PlwD takes on your negative emotions as their own and mirrors them back to you, often as BPSD.*
• Round three: You react negatively to the behaviors and it goes on and on, round after round.

But you have the power of choice! You can choose to interrupt this cycle.

• Add positive people to your life, even if just online. 
• With them as role models, you will find it will be easier to combat that immobilizing stress, think more positively and then feel better. 
• The PlwD will mirror your positive feelings just like they did your negative ones and they will feel better too.

VIEW HAVING POSITIVE PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE AS IMPORTANT AS GETTING THE RIGHT MEDICAL TREATMENT!

Roadblock #3: Isolation. Reaching out may not be all that simple, however.
 Caregiving is demanding in time and energy, and "adding positive people to your life" may take a back seat to the other jobs you have to do. Then, when you do, it isn't unusual to find that old friends or even family can't relate with the things that take up your attention or worse, that they don't understand.

• And so you stop reaching out and isolate yourself that much more. It becomes easier and easier to feed into that cycle of negativity between you and your loved one. 
• That's where support groups come in. If you are fortunate, you have family and/or friends that can be there for you in a positive way. But often, no, usually, you need more. 
• You need to connect with people who are experiencing the same things you are and are still managing to be positive. Even if you have a hard time getting out, you can go online and connect with positive people there. Many care partners use both local and online groups. 

FIND A CAREGIVER SUPPORT GROUP AND PARTICIPATE.

Roadblock #4: Our basic negativity. Negative emotions are naturally strong. They need to be to get your attention in times of danger and push us towards safety. These stronger emotions can take over, especially in times of stress, requiring you to make conscious choices to change from being negative to being positive. The next blog is about how you change the way you think so that you can turn around and go back down that mountain of negativity.

*Acronyms:
AD: Alzheimer's disease
BPSD: Behavioral and psychological symptoms of dementia
DLB: Dementia with Lewy bodies, where cognitive/behavioral issues occur first
LBD: Lewy body dementia, an umbrella term for both DLB and PDD
MCI: Mild cognitive impairment
MCI-LB: the form of MCI that precedes LBD
PD: Parkinson's disease
PDD: Parkinson's disease with dementia, where mobility issues occur first
PlwD: person/people living with dementia
PlwPD, LBD, PDD, AD, etc.: person/people living with PD, LBD, etc.

For more information about Lewy body disorders, read our books:
A Caregivers’ Guide to Lewy Body Dementia
Managing Cognitive Issues in Parkinson's and Lewy Body Dementia

Helen and James Whitworth are not doctors, lawyers or social workers. As informed caregivers, they share the information here for educational purposes only. It should never be used instead of a professional's advice.

Constructive Caring, #1: Introduction

This is the first blog in a series about being a constructive care partner. At one time, I'd have said it was going to be about being a positive care partner, but times have changed. As researchers learn more, we learn to use different words. We all hear a lot about the value of being positive and it's all very true. Being positive makes you happier, healthier and even smarter. And, it makes you a more effective care partner. The more positive you are, the happier and more content your loved one will be.

But there's a glitch. Most people (80%) have brains hard-wired to be negative. Add the normal stress of caregiving, and even the few naturally positive care partners more likely than likely have negative brains. Telling a negative brain to "be positive" is too big a leap; it shorts out and goes into "worry," its default mode.

"Being constructive" is about working towards a goal, about gradually building a better life for you and your loved one, not a done deal like "being positive." That's our first work-around--watch for others! Negative people still have positive feelings--they just need noticing and nurturing. Sometimes, these get lost in the business of living, when the logistics of caregiving get in the way and the "fun" things aren't even noticed, let along enjoyed. (Reference)

The problem with negative emotions is that the brain views anything causing them as dangerous and therefore, urgent. These feelings grab our attention quickly and emphatically, overshadowing everything else. Then this "urgent" information gets pushed immediately into long term memory, bypassing much of the abstract thinking that keeps us on an even keel. Thus, negative thinking can be similar to that of the person living with dementia--and of stressed-out care partners: general, polarized, catastrophic, and personalized.

In contrast, equally important but non-urgent positives are processed slowly. Even after they get past those grabby negative emotions and manage to attract your attention, you have to keep them on your radar for over ten seconds to be remembered. A lot can--and does--slip by in that time. Work-around #2: Make a conscious choice to be aware of words, things, people and events that make you feel good. Once you notice them, make a conscious choice to pay attention to them and enjoy them.

"Why?" you ask. "Why should I spend my already limited time and energy on this? Why not just flow with it and accept the pain, the anger, the worry, the fear? Isn't that real life? Isn't it rather Pollyannaish to try to make it all more positive, uh, constructive?"

Ah, but Pollyanna was a happy person! The advantages of being happy are great for the individual and even greater for a dementia care partner because you are "feeling for two." That is if you choose to be happy, your loved one will mirror this and feel happier too. That's the first advantage, but there are a lot more:

• Your loved one's happier, more content attitude will result in fewer dementia-related behaviors.
• With less energy wasted on energy-hogging negativity, you will actually have more energy for your job, your loved one, others, yourself and life in general.
• You will be healthier. Positive people are less at risk for most diseases, including dementia.
• You will be less stressed, thus have more energy and clearer thinking.
• With a clearer mind, you will see the broader picture and make better decisions.
• You will accomplish more, resulting in better self-esteem.
• You will feel emotionally stronger and better able to face the tasks you must do.

While caregiving can still be overwhelming, you will find it easier when you do it with a positive, can-do attitude. The more positive you become, the more others will enjoy being around you and you'll find that your positive attitude will rub off on them.

Next week: more about negativity and making conscious changes.

Helen and James Whitworth are not doctors, lawyers or social workers. As informed caregivers, they share the information here for educational purposes only. It should never be used instead of a professional's advice.

We love and welcome comments but we will not publish any that advertise a product or a commercial website. This is especially true for testimonials about miraculous Parkinson's cures and marijuana.
*Acronyms
AD: Alzheimer's disease
DLB: Dementia with Lewy bodies, where cognitive/behavioral issues occur first
LBD: Lewy body dementia, an umbrella term for both DLB and PDD
MCI: Mild cognitive impairment
MCI-LB: the form of MCI that precedes LBD
PD: Parkinson's disease
PDD: Parkinson's disease with dementia, where mobility issues occur first

For more information about Lewy body disorders, read our books:
A Caregivers’ Guide to Lewy Body Dementia
Managing Cognitive Issues in Parkinson's and Lewy Body Dementia